Man is it getting DEEP in here...

I just read what my brother-in-law David said on his blog about being truthful in his writing, and it struck a cord with me. I, unlike David, have NOT lived a very truthful life until recently. That's not to say that because I lied, everything about me was fake. But it sure had to suck for those around me - not believing in someone is a bitch.

My mother once (or twice) told the story of my first spoken sentence: "I didn't touch your perfume and it didn't spill." The overwhelming stench of Youth Dew and the near-empty bottle said otherwise. Point is, early on I learned to tell people what I thought they wanted to hear. I also said things about myself or my day-to-day life that were "amplified" or flat out fibs. Somewhere along the line I decided that I need to be "bigger, better, faster, WOW." That just "me" was far from fascinating.

No -- don't go there. This isn't a "poor me" thing. Rather a reflection on what could possibly possess any child to hold THOSE perceptions as truths. Without delving too deeply into it here (too much of a tangent), suffice it to say that I just did the best I could with what I had. Survival skills, whatever. It served a purpose. At some point, though, it became so second nature that I couldn't keep it all straight and I honestly couldn't remember what was really real.

Later, when I was struggling with my addicition to alcohol and couldn't continue living if I drank, but couldn't imagine a life WITHOUT it, drinking became the only thing I lied about (everything else seemed suddenly pointless). Lied to the people I loved the most and least wanted to hurt or disappoint. I returned, once again, to the belief that I was somehow protecting them by not telling them when I'd slipped. In reality, it was crazy making for everyone.

One of the things suggested as a tool for continued abstinence is both prayer and meditation. I couldn't get my head around the stereotypical Christian "ideal" of prayer, and having no experience with the "how to's" regarding it, a truly wise woman suggested that I rethink the entire process. She is familiar with my twisted "truths" and offered up the idea that perhaps I could just think of it as a dialogue between God & me...that was pure truth. My truth. Not censored or rewritten or homogonized for review, criticism or judgement by another person. Never having done this before, I admit that I still don't do it very often. Just like anything that is unfamiliar, it takes practice. But this is more than that -- this is a complete reprogramming of my thought process and interaction with others. It is awkward and funky and is going to take a lifetime of work.